I usually don't like rhyming poetry but I really enjoyed this piece. The little bit afterwards you didn't include WAS funny and I thought the tone of the whole thing was playful enough that you could've gotten away with it.
Yeah I think it works with or without the last bit. I tend towards earnestness so I separated it out. Almost all of my poetry has some (complex) rhyming. I think it is an aid to memorability and to make things “stick” – I don’t mind the old-fashioned feel, and why do we write if not to be recalled? And it’s partly because I’m a frustrated lyricist. (Thanks for the feedback – such a benefit of this place 🙂.)
I actually liked your rhymes; they did read like lyrics. Most of the time rhymes are stilted but yours flowed into each other like a song. I can definitely see that in your work.
I usually don't like rhyming poetry but I really enjoyed this piece. The little bit afterwards you didn't include WAS funny and I thought the tone of the whole thing was playful enough that you could've gotten away with it.
Yeah I think it works with or without the last bit. I tend towards earnestness so I separated it out. Almost all of my poetry has some (complex) rhyming. I think it is an aid to memorability and to make things “stick” – I don’t mind the old-fashioned feel, and why do we write if not to be recalled? And it’s partly because I’m a frustrated lyricist. (Thanks for the feedback – such a benefit of this place 🙂.)
I actually liked your rhymes; they did read like lyrics. Most of the time rhymes are stilted but yours flowed into each other like a song. I can definitely see that in your work.